The blended family
Advice on including children in the wedding
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When parents are divorced
Photo by Jocelyn Marino
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For all their joy,
weddings are sometimes
charged with potentially explosive situations when divorced parents,
stepparents, and children, either yours or your groom's are involved.
If you can, observe one rule at all times: DON'T PUSH! Include the children
in all appropriate pre-nuptial planning and festivites, but be sensitive
to their reactions. No matter what the relationship is with the former
wife or husband, be as amicable as possible in discussing any wedding
plans involving the children.
Schedule a special visit with your clergyman
so he can meet the children. Many ceremonies include vows for children,
emphasizing the formation of the new family and recognizing their
place in it. Ask the children if they want to participate in such
vows, and then respect their decisions and feelings.
Children may shun the speaking role, but may
be eager to be in the wedding party. It would be appropriate to consider
them for ring bearer, acolyte, altar boy, usher, flower girl, bridesmaid,
guest book attendant or gift attendant.
If the children choose only to attend the
wedding as guests, accept this decision gracefully. Make arrangements
for special seating, perhaps just before your parents are seated.
Be sure to include the chilren in the receiving line, even if they
did not participate in the actual ceremony. Introduce them in their
old and new roles. For example, "This is John's son and my stepson,
Michael."
Have formal pictures taken of the new parent
and new stepchildren alone. Those photos may later be a treasured
gift. As important as it is that the children understand that the
new parent is in a sense marrying them, too, it is also important
that they respect the new relationship between the two adults. So,
if you take a honeymoon trip right after the wedding, take it alone.
Plan a special family trip later, but reserve the honeymoon just for
you and the groom.
If the children will be living with you and
your groom, include them in appropriate decisions about furnishing
and decorating their new home. The china pattern you choose isn't
their concern, but the color of bedspread you buy for their room definitely
is.
Be prepared for some tears, especially if
the children are small. Probably the most important thing you can
do is to avoid making any assumptions ... about anything. Be open and
communicate with them. Including the children in the nuptial ceremony
can enhance the wedding and lend a firm base to your new, blended
family.
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